Monday, 21 November 2011

Why should I get married???

I'm not disillusioned about marriage. I know that it's not a bed of roses. I know you have to work at it to make it work. Despite all these, I still sometimes struggle to come up with good reasons to get married. Don't get me wrong, I do want to spend my life with someone I love, have kids, build a family, etc, etc and I think that's what God wants for most of us, but I've seen a lot of things in the past few months that just make me wonder. 

To start off, a few weeks ago, I read someone's post on facebook titled 'why men cheat' (or something along those lines) and it made for very interesting reading. The conclusion was that every man, given the right circumstances would cheat on his wife/partner. Obviously it caused a bit of an uproar, (mostly amongst women, I should add) and even though I wanted to put down my own thoughts on the matter, for once I decided to leave it for a bit and have a think. In the end, I came to my own conclusion. The writer of that piece was kinda right. Every man, given the right circumstances would cheat. But does it really stop there? Surely, everyone, given the right circumstances would do something they wouldn't usually do. But, I must add, only if we believe that we have no control over certain things that we do. Let me explain further- the August London riots is a good example. People, including some normally law-abiding citizens saw a perfect opportunity to steal and they did just that. It proves the article's point, doesn't it? But do we actually have more control over ourselves than we'd like to admit even to ourselves? Still on the London riots- not everyone grabbed clothes and shoes, even though it was right there and they probably wouldn't have been caught. Yes, some people were probably scared of getting caught, but I'd also like to think that some people decided that doing what is right was far more important than getting a few new items of clothing. 

Even though I've heard the views of the writer of that note from different people in the past, I can't help but wonder whether it's not some kind of excuse for certain men to fall back on when they give in to a moment (or two) of weakness. Just because you have the ability to do something doesn't mean that you would. Not if you claim to love someone. Not if you took a vow. Not if your life is sold out to Someone higher. And definitely not if you put measures in place to prevent it from happening. Here's a thought- surely if you think yourself unable to resist a certain type of temptation, you've pretty much fallen already. Isn't it just a matter of time? Now, I'm not naive, I don't live in fantasy land, and I'm actually not as optimistic as I think I should be about certain things, but I cannot get my head around the conclusion of that facebook note. If indeed that conclusion is true, what are women supposed to do? Resign themselves to the fact that they will one day be cheated upon- a matter of when, not even if? If that is the case, then seriously, why bother? 

The other thing I can't get my head around is physical violence in relationships. And why people stay. This completely freaks me out, but we'll talk about it some other day...


  1. Renny, I have heard friends come to the same conclusion (female friends, of course), i.e. "Resign themselves to the fact that they will one day be cheated upon- a matter of when, not even if" and was both angry and sad. It is almost taken for granted that men will cheat, and it seems that many boys are raised to think this way (and believe it is okay and is in fact normal), while girls are raised to accept it and "pray"m for their husbands to get it right. But even amidst the madness, I know there are REAL men who will NEVER cheat because they CHOOSE not to. And of course, the same goes for women too.

  2. If there is one thing i have come to learn and understand, both from my parents who have been married 30+ odd years, and still behaving like they just got married, it is this - the fear of God in a man is the only thing that may hinder any idea of cheating within the sacred boundaries of marriage. Like you said, being "sold to Someone higher", it is not first their love for their partner that keeps them faithful. It is first their love and fear of God, then their love for themselves (self-worth et al) and lastly their love for their spouse. That is why is it said that you must be whole in yourself and your relationship with God established before you should consider getting into a relationship with another with view to getting married. God's love, blessings, et al flow horizontal - from Him, to us, to others. Does that make sense? Everything starts and ends with Him. If a man/woman were to be married, the basis/foundation for getting married is first their own love and fear of God.

    As with all things, where God provides, He enables. Where God has joined two people together in a marriage partnership, He enables that partnership to work and remain a visible expression of His relationship with the Church, His Bride.

    Paul says "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." (Eph 5:25-28)

    That perfectly summarises everything i am trying to say here...

    my daddy always said he doesnt care who i marry, whether he is black, white, pink, yellow, orange and all the colors of the rainbow, rich, poor, young or old...all he wants to know is that the man is God-fearing. "by their fruits, you will know them."

    I'd better stop! Didnt mean for it to be this long :-)

    Make an awesome day

    Doose xx

  3. I think that is a valid question, i could write an epistle to answer your question, but i wont because i am sure you have heard it all before , so i will give you three tips.. Firstly make sure you marry a man that when you meet, you can answer that question and be glad i.e.(why you should get married)Secondly, Marry a man whose faults you can stand, we all have faults you know, so the less you have to tolerate in a man , the easier it is to submit to him, eg for me my love language is words of affirmation, a verbal abusive husband is a no no for me, and you can get me to do anything if you ask nicely. and lastly marry a man who you would be happy if your son turned out just like him..just my two cents ..hope i made sense..

  4. @Relentless, I agree with you...I believe there are real men who would never cheat because they choose not to. But I think it needs to go a bit further though; just deciding in your heart not to cheat isn't enough. That's what I meant by putting measures in place- temptation could come from left, right and centre, and people need to be aware of that. By God's grace though, I believe it is possible to remain faithful to one's spouse.

    @CBW, thanks so much for stopping by! You make a good point- it is first of all a love for, and fear of God that will keep someone from cheating. But, like I said to Relentless above, we also need to be practical and use our heads...I think if a lot more men (and I know women cheat too) didn't get themselves into tricky situations in the first place, perhaps there would be less cases of infidelity...

    @Jemima, wow, I'm loving those tips you know! especially the last one- I never looked at it from that point of view. Thanks and you made perfect sense!

  5. First of all, love never stopped anyone from cheating. Respect does.

    Second, marriage has nothing to do with love. It's a business agreement for the sake of facilitating a family.

    If you want love, engage in a relationship and celebrate each others company and spirit.

    Third, MOST guys cheat, not all. When you date, you're simply rolling a dice. It is what it is. You won't die because you refuse to date. Love is like the wind, it's never meant to last forever. Just appreciate the moment. That's all you have. That's all you can control.

  6. @Prosperunlimited, thanks for stopping by and leaving such interesting comments! I have so much to say in response, but I'll just stick to two points for now.

    First of all, marriage has everything to do with love. Sadly, some people will go into marriage as a business agreement but truth is that most would go into it because they love the person they're with and want to spend the rest of their lives with them.

    Secondly, I'm not sure where you got that statement from, but I believe love is actually meant to last forever. If you're talking about true love that is, not the romantic 'butterflies in stomach' feeling.

    A happy marriage/relationship doesn't just happen, it takes hard work and this is what most people forget. I think if someone goes into a relationship with the mindset that it's only for a season, they're already setting that relationship up for a fall because they probably won't put much effort in when things get a bit rough.

    Having said all that, I do appreciate your comments!

  7. Do me a favor. Ask a preacher what marriage is...then ask a lawyer what marriage is. As a matter of fact, think about this; if your husband walks out on you, can you go to the church and file divorce, because of your "vows"?

    Sweety, the world isn't as perfect as it seems. But keep living...

  8. Oh, and be sure to buy my books...