Friday, 13 May 2011

He's just not that into you!

Picture this, ladies. You meet a guy you like, he says hello, you have a nice conversation, you see each other for a few weeks and you start to think ‘hmmm...he might just be the one’. But then, for some reason, he stops calling. He doesn’t text. He doesn’t come to see you. You wonder why. What went wrong? When you finally hear from him, he tells you he’s been busy. Something came up at work. He forgot to charge his phone. Someone stole his phone. His mother died. He was ill. (Pick one; the list is endless).
I love this movie. Whilst I try not to take too many lessons from rom-coms, I actually think this one is quite good, and lots of ladies (and men, I guess) need to see it. I remember going to see the movie with a friend and as I was watching it I was thinking of another friend that was having man troubles. She was always like ‘why won’t he call me?’ ‘Doesn’t he miss me?’ and all of that stuff. I so desperately wanted to tell her in the nicest possible way, ‘he’s just not that into you.’
So the movie basically tries to help women understand that if a guy wants you, he’ll move Heaven and earth (metaphorically) to get you. For real. You don’t need to make excuses for him, and you certainly don’t need to call him. For those that are still not getting it, let me help you out a little...
A guy you like says he likes you, but you don’t hear from him. You want to call him, for one or more of the following reasons;
‘Maybe he’s just too busy at work; there’s no time to call/text/get in touch’ - Really? If he’s too busy to get in touch with the girl that he supposedly likes, then he’s too busy, full stop. And is that the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with?
‘Maybe he’s ill/got run over by a bus/got attacked by robbers or a wild animal’ - If this is the case, you’ll find out soon enough, trust me. Save your credit/airtime/minutes.
‘Maybe he’s dead’ - Now, what good would calling him do?
It is worth pointing out that in all my years of dating (and all my friends’ too), none of these excuses has actually turned out to be reality.
I was chatting with an old friend the other day and she was telling me about a guy that she likes, that claims to like her too, but hardly calls her, and sometimes doesn’t even bother returning her calls/texts. I was like, ‘girl, you need to forget about this dude, he’s not serious.’ She agreed with me, but you know how it is with us women; where there are feelings involved, we find it difficult to think sanely sometimes. On the other hand, this same friend of mine also has another guy on her case, but this guy is the complete opposite of the guy she likes. He calls/texts/bbms/'whatever else people do these days' her all the time. In fact so much so that she thinks he’s borderline psycho. I know, you can never please us women! Anyway, when she told me all about this borderline psycho dude and the stuff he does for her, we both came to the conclusion that really, if a guy likes you, he’ll show you that he likes you. He’ll take time off work to see you if he needs to. He’ll spend all his airtime calling you. He’ll buy you gifts. He’ll do whatever it takes so that you’re not unsure of his intentions.
So ladies, stop making excuses for that man. If you really don’t know where you stand with him and he’s not making much of an effort, or seems to always have excuses at the ready, take the hint. He’s just not that into you.

*picture from 'lifebetweenthesheets'


  1. :-) You know it's funny, this subject was discussed and debated at my church this evening. And hopefully women do get it... I hope ALL women gain wisdom in this, whether through their own research, or with the help of a "wise" friend. But yeah, basically, If I guy is REALLY into you, he'll do all he can to let you know.

    Lemme go somewhere else though. I qualified my statement by saying "REALLY" because this means that the guy is quite convinced that he wants you and no one else, and therefore he doesn't mind looking a fool for you. Unfortunately, if he's gotten to this point without the female's knowledge or consent, then she will think of him as a nutter (evidenced by your convo with your friend). So no one wins...

  2. This is why if a guy just kinda likes a girl, he will try to let her know, and see if she feels the same way. But he won't try to "move heaven and earth" for her. Because he still has some pride and self-respect, and a good head enough to know that he needs to play it cool to get her. Note I said play it "cool", not "hard-to-get"; guys (and girls) who play the latter are childish and should be avoided just as much.

    So in conclusion, all things being equal, if he wants to be with you, he'll let you know at every opportunity, and the same goes for females. So if you're waiting a day for a reply to a text - *sigh* and let it go. Stick through the process, and imagine yourself being with someone who actually cares, and isn't afraid to show it.

  3. P.S. Quiet from a guy is simply "I don't want to mess with you, (or with your mind), so I'm respecting your feelings and staying away." Dunno if that's the same for you women, but please respect and appreciate that when it's coming from us. Ta :-)

    P.P.S Sorry for the mini blog-comment. I'll give your blog back now :-).

  4. Thanks for stopping by Yinkstersworld! I agree with your second paragraph. Indeed what I meant (in relation to the moving of Heaven and Earth)was 'if a guy REALLY likes you' i.e. he believes he's seen enough to know that you could be that special someone. I don't expect a guy that's only just met me to start moving mountains; that'll freak me out.

    About playing hard to get, I don't agree that girls who do it are childish (boys maybe, but not girls) because they teach us in 'how to get a guy' school that that's the only language you guys understand (you know, guys love the chase etc, etc). And it's worked for generations! It's just that some girls haven't quite mastered the art and take it a bit too far sometimes, leaving the poor guy scratching his head in confusion. So if a girl seems to be playing hard to get, the guy has to decide if he thinks she's worth the chase or not. But then again, she might just not be that into you. What can I say, this post kinda applies to guys as well ;)

    As for your P.S. statement, is that really what 'quiet' from a guy means? I think women might appreciate it more if a guy stated clearly that he wasn't interested in anything more than friendship. That way, we all know where we stand.

    Thanks for the mini-blog comment. I've also given a mini-blog reply. :)

  5. You couldn't have put it better. If he claims to like you but doesn't act or say otherwise (defining the relationship), better take a fast hike before you get your heart broken! (TALKING FROM EXPERIENCE)
    As for the borderline psycho dude, such guys are usually 'take home to momma' kinda guys.. but its a pity that they are hardly the type us women are attracted to.. Wetin we dey find for newcastle dey for backyard! Women look too far and fail to look within..

  6. Well written Renny and Chinny..most of us women swim in "the Nile"..(denial)..i know im guilty..(wink, wink)..we tend to waste our energy by making excuses for guys that r not worth it..and makeup silly (sometimes crazy) reasons as to why the "nice" guy isn't good enough!(for instance,..calling him a psycho!) but deep down we know the TRUTH.. the thing is if we know our WORTH, we would know which of the guys deserves us..the guy that always has an excuse for not calling(or replying ur messages)..or the guy that wants to know what u are up to every minute of the day??!!!
    I'm done making excuses for "Mr I'm too Busy"...but uhmm...dat doesnt mean im diving into the arms of "Mr borderline psycho dude"..(taking baby steps).. :)

  7. LOL. The greatest gift in life is to love and be loved. Let's pray that people have the sense to know who loves them, the sense to know who they themselves love (for the right reasons, of course)and the wisdom to know who will never love them! When a man and a woman are both mad about each other,they should thank God and consider it their final bus stop! lol. Then the real work begins....i.e. keeping the relationship happy and healthy long-term - you need God for that too, 'cos calling someone everyday for the first 6 months is easy, it's being there for each other always and forever, that's what differentiates 'like' from 'love'.

    Niki O

  8. @Chinny, yeah I agree it's all about defining the relationship. But women must be careful cos it's very easy for some guys to say what they know a girl wants to hear, for example, 'I love you', 'I want to marry you'. If a guy is not showing it, then ask yourself 'does he really mean it?' Lol at 'wetin we dey find for Newcastle dey for backyard!' That's life for you.

    @Anon, yep, definitely don't jump into the arms of Mr Borderline psycho dude! He could in fact be borderline psycho! :) But yeah I agree it's all about knowing your worth and understanding that if a guy wants you, he needs to show you.

    @Niki, 'cos calling someone everyday for the first 6 months is easy, it's being there for each other always and forever, that's what differentiates 'like' from 'love''

    The Mrs has spoken! Love it! :)

  9. @Renny, that's why i said he has to act it out his words.. Love is more than words and even actions, love is an unconditional choice. Read the below written by a lovestruck male ;)...

    Finally it hit me..."Love is an action, not an emotion". The poets lied to us all, they never understood it too. They had always described love in terms of emotions, tingling sensations, butterflies fluttering on your insides...emotions...things we could feel. If love was an emotion, then it would be possible to fake, cos it isn’t hard to express what you don't feel. If love was an emotion, then it could be simulated. If love was an emotion, then it could be unconscious. But love isn’t. Love is a choice. You choose to love or you choose not to. "You can't give what you don't have". I could go on and on, but let me explain how it transformed my understanding of 1st Corinth 13...

    "God is Love"

    Love is patient...God is patient with us, sometimes I really don't understand why.
    Love is kind....God is too kind to us.
    Love is not jealous...God is a jealous God? I wonder, cos if He was, He wouldn’t put up with our worshipping Facebook and our jobs more than we worship Him
    Love does not demand its own way...God has given us the freedom to choose what we want.
    Love is not irritable...God puts up with all our crap and excuses.
    Love does not keep a record of wrongs...God doesn’t stockpile our sins as evidence against us. He forgives us all of our sins.
    Love does not give up...God never gives up on us, even when we choose to walk the wrong path
    Love never loses faith...God never gives up faith in us. He believes in us. Look at Job!
    Love is always hopeful...God is the father of the prodigal son.
    Love endures through every circumstance...Despite the trials and temptations we go thru, God is always with us

    All the definitions of love mentioned in 1st Corinth 13 are actions, not emotions. Emotions are basically sensory perceptions experienced/felt by someone and could be triggered by anything. Actions are carried out by someone and felt by another person. So if love is an action, you can't give what you don't have. I am going to stop here; I don't want to sound philosophical.

    Hope this helps whoever reads this post and needs more insight into A WISE AND TAKE HOME TO MAMA KINDA GUY's MIND!! I know i gat one ;)

  10. @Chinny, love wantintin!;) Thanks for sharing that, it contains a lot of truth. So many people need to come to that realisation that love is indeed an action and not an emotion!

    p.s. hold Mr 'take home to mama kinda guy' tight o! :)

  11. Lol! I no need to hold am, i get am (as he says) ;).. lol.. i'm kidding! I'm holding in the Spirit o, on bent knees and in thanksgiving.. Na this type wey devil dey like tempt.

  12. I was supposed to be the first person to comment and now every one is mini blogging all over the place- smh. a very true article, but i know it can be hard to accept especially if one's feelings are involved. i think that knowing and understanding the extent of God's love helps me see myself as someone worth dying for. He climbed the hill of calvary,there's no price He didn't pay and He gave his life away, JUST TO BE WITH ME! knowing this makes waiting for that special someone who'll move heaven and earth to show he likes me easier; It also helps me to put my emotions in place and not settle for less. great article, hope we all live it. love you.